And the award for worst aircraft cabin design goes to ….
Virgin Atlantic, for their Boeing 787-9 Upper Class interior, which i had the displeasure of sitting in for 10 hours recently. I know, i am amazed too. Who would have thought it? I would have bet good money it would have been won by some perennially shitty airline like Iberia or Olympic. But no, Virgin Atlantic are definitely the winners.
It is quite staggeringly bad, defying design logic and farting in the general direction of any notion of comfort. It is glaringly obvious no actual passengers were consulted during the design process, which in all likelihood was left to an A.I. system that had been loosely trained on industrial battery-chicken farms. Even the cabin crew agreed with me that whoever designed it had clearly never actually sat in a prototype for more than five minutes, let alone for 10 hours … at altitude.
Now I know i have been the first to lecture about being appreciative of the wonders of travel, and the importance of being endlessly tolerant of the small irritations we encounter in order to be catapulted across the world, but some things really take the biscuit - and besides, this is a really big and unnecessary irritation. Indulge me for a moment, while I try and get my biscuit back.
Where to start? The low walls of the Upper Class compartments are curved - in the wrong direction - on both sides for maximum discomfort, and their diminutive height ensures privacy is non-existent. Astonishingly, the narrow cubicles all face inwards, to the center of the cabin. This enables you to study the nose-mining and crotch-scratching techniques of the person opposite you throughout the flight, and they to relentlessly observe you. At night, it has the unfortunate effect of making the cabin look like some sort of Virgin branded morgue, with rows of duvet wrapped legs sticking out into the aisle.
Incredulously, this inward orientation of all the window seats puts the window directly behind you, preventing you from looking out of it during the journey, lest you might perhaps enjoy the scenery, study interesting cloud formations, and contentedly reflect on the wonder of flight.
As regards storage space, which we all need in abundance for our traveling gadgetry, reading material, water, lotions, potions and miscellaneous daily carry, I am quite sure there is considerably more of it in the solitary confinement cells at Rikers Island penitentiary than in this compartment. There is no surface on which to place any personal items, except a tiny little fold-down shelf no larger than a small paperback. The shelf has been thoughtfully positioned slightly behind ones upper arm, so as to make it as difficult as possible to see, or reach, and as easy as possible to accidentally sweep everything you have crammed onto it, off it. There is an electrical plug, but it is buried in such a very dark and inaccessible recess that you need to be a contortionist to access it, and then fumble your way through the plug-insertion by feel alone. Down in this dark place there is also some sort of digital handset, but I could never find the button to release it, and have no idea what purpose it served.
The spring-loaded television, inconveniently positioned in the side wall, is designed to smack you in the elbow with considerable force as soon as you press the release button. It then extends outwards on an arm, which positions it directly over the tray table, creating a perfect storm of diabolical dysfunctionality that renders the entire space unfit for purpose.
The moron responsible for this monumentally inept arrangement should be dragged outside and tied to tree, with a sign around their dangly bits saying “Kick here”, as should the management team at Virgin who approved the design and signed-off on the vast amount of money required to bring it chundering into ill conceived reality. What the hell were they all smoking?
On rival American Airlines, subject of much of my itinerant ire these past 30 years, the business class cabin is a model of good design, with abundant storage, acres of flat surfaces and plenty of room in every direction. How can American get it so right, and Virgin - home of the hip, the fabulous, the trendily dishevelled, and masters of generally brilliant thingery- get it so brain-wrenchingly wrong?
For Virgin Atlantic, the only ray of sunshine in this high-speed train-smash of design is that it is presided over by the most fabulous cabin crew you could ever hope to meet. From LA to London they smiled and clucked about amiably, saying “be a luv and pop your seat belt on for me would you?”or “fancy another glass of wine dear?” Having an Ab-fab cabin crew is the holy grail for any airline, but Virgin have completely let the side down by making such a dog’s breakfast of the cabin furniture. Those who know me are aware that i have been a voluntary brand ambassador for everything Virgin for most of my life and that this is a dramatic departure from my normal vociferous praise . My apologies to Sir Richard for my honesty, but it is sadly well deserved. Verdict: scrap it immediately and start again.
(Photo courtesy of https://thepointsguy.com, a most excellent source of information and reviews for frequent flyers.)